I can turn into a bitch faster than your dick can get hard.– Britny Fucking Muehl
Anonymous asked: Put my left toe in your armpit. HOW'S THAT FOR DIRTY!?
Wit is shit, funny is money.– Mel Brooks. And the reason so man deserving comedians go undiscovered.
Talk dirty to me. →
interwebhipsters: I just saw what Train actually looks like. They all look like they’re 70. I feel dirty for singing about a 70 year old man’s untrimmed chest. Insert barf. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Do you want to be taken to a dream world of magic? →
Dad: Guess Where I’m going tomorrow. Me: Where? Dad: Mayday! Me: What?? Why?? Dad: Hangin’ with my buds. Me: Who’s even playing? Dad: Puddle of Mud.
mumblebumbles asked: What is preventing you from being an actress in the moving pictures?
Alright, tumblebeez, need halp
Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy when she is around him. Girl hates boy and wants to eat his face when she isn’t around him. Verdict?
Things I care about more than Gary Coleman dying:
drinkyourjuice: literally anything
Comedy nerds are the worst kind of nerds because we don’t even have online communities allowing us to pretend like we have friends. The Jon Hamm episode of The Nerdist podcast is really speaking to me right now.
If you’re edged ‘cause I’m weazin’ all your grindage, just chill. ‘Cause if I...– pauly shore (via deannarooney) (via jonahray)
Describe your perfect lover to me. I'm feeling... →
GREATEST EVER. Need to do.
brb, gettin my cleveland city on.
leahkorea asked: I feel like this would be an appropriate time to say Happy Birthday! I hope it's way fun. I mean, the weather is nice, so you've got that going for all your birthday activities!
illkissyoubetweentheears asked: What was your best birthday and why?
Ps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Ps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
franciscotirado asked: HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE YOUR NEW LAYOUT AND TITLE.
It's my birthday. Ask me a question! Celebrate! →
I bought a book on a supposed quarterlife crisis
And I think all it’s doing is giving me one. I’m currently at a Best Western. Ugh. We started out at a Marriot. Then a Holiday Inn. Now a Best Western. Way to downgrade. To be fair, we are in Elkhart, and I think this is the best they have. Anyway, my parents are fake arguing in the other bed and it’s just too cute. 30 years together. Unbelievable. Yesterday was their...
Too exhausted for a legit post. In Detroit. Well, Dearborn. It appears to be Detroit’s Carmel, or Fishers at least. Very emotional day. No GPOYW because I look haggard. HAGGARD I TELL YOU. Up early to do it all again tomorrow. I love my father. I love my mother, too, but I am mostly frustrated with her. Goodnight, tumblebees.
A movie that makes you sad. Ugh I cry so easily, this one is tough. I don’t think I’ll write very much about this one because I will feel silly. Ok now I really feel silly because I just googled sad movies because I can’t think of one. OH MY GOD WHAT AM I THINKING??? THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY PHILADELPHIA! It combines my loves of Tom Hanks, topical (read: GAY) issues, and...